WHY DID GOD DO THIS TO ME?

Please do not say it was my imagination or conscious. i would bet my life on it that it was REAL. when i was about 8-11 i basically pretended to be a christian to make my mom happy. my mom was very messed up in certain ways but was still a christian and was very strict and hard on me. i didnt want to really be a christian because i didnt want to be like her so i pretended or she wouldve freaked. during this time we would go to many different churchs cause my mom would always say she wanted to find the right one. well most of the time i would get a very dirty look from atleast one of the people. even a lot of my christian teachers would give me a really mean hurtful stare. one time it lasted like 10 seconds. n i was young n didnt know what to do so from acrossed the room i mouthed "what?" and some of the students looked at me then at him to see. and he looked away still looking angry. and we went to this one church for over a year and about 5 times the pastor gave me this terrible mean look like i know better.. all together i probably got atleast 25 looks. and since i was so young and still psychologically developing, this has really molded into my personality.. i knew why each time and it was cause i was a hypocrite. how could they of known unless god told them?? huh??? he basically betrayed me. go ahead and think im stupid or laugh at me but i know what im talking about.. and i was a prettyy bad kid but no one ever saw that side,. i had a lot of built up anger towards my mom and would always go to my room and curse her out in my head when i was like 10. and i would do a lot of other bad things in secret.. this doesnt happen much anymore. i got saved when i was ab 13 but quickly just fell away from god. im now 17 and still, to this day, all those stares and dirty looks has cause me to be extremely self consious and shy. im always afraid and sure that someone is staring at me and knoew me inside out..